A Naughty Chemistry Story

Written by Evans A Criswell
September 15, 1996

I know this guy who is fun to be around and is never boron, and like me, he likes Coke better than Pepsinate. The other day he was listening to the radium, singing along with "One little two little three little indiums". On nights when his parents argon, he thinks "Freon at last!" He was looking at a magazine containing pictures of some hot Californium galliums with very good acetone, while molding his clay into bigger and bigger forms. He had not been getting the proper nitration so it was taking him a while, even with lots of lubrication. He liked boxer shorts because of their rheuminess, so his molecules could get plenty of ozone. He was so radioactively unstable that he didn't need alcohol to expel all kinds of wild waves and particles.

Growing tired of his unsuccessful molding, he went downtown and found a girl and told her of his failed experiment and of his hypothesis regarding a better experiment involving both of them.

The girl said "You mineral the same!" Anyway, she agreed to only charge him the nitrate instead of the hydrate, so he could get lucky for just a nickel.

Their tungstens met each other, and they formed an ionic bond. He had his heart set on a covalent bond and that would require leaving his catalyst in for a while. It was the right time of the month in her periodic table and his Bunsen burner was lit. Out popped his graduated cylinder, a Nobelium Prizmatic winner! His mercury was rising and his face lit up like neon. He put on a synthetic rubber, and put his element into her beaker and pipetted several quartz. Keeping his balance steady, he made several deposits and withdrawals.

Unfortunately, his dinner had caused him to carbonate and caused him to exhaust much asphyxiating gaseousness, killing her pet cation, even though he'd taken Alka-Seltzer. He found you can't trust alka because alkali.

Hearing all the noise, a little old lady neighbor walked in, just being a good samarium, and uncovered the scandium and yelled, "This must cesium!" and called a copper. He now had to get out because he'd benzene. He sped away, yelling "Heigh Ho Silver!" He was caught and his fun night was tarnished when he was arrested by the copper. He had finally met his sulfate. The jail was full of rats and other rhodiums, and was much too valent for him. He concluded that galliums were too reactive and decided at that critical point to become inert.

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